Regrets
by accio-herondales
Summary: Hii, so this is my first fanfic that I've posted, and idk how you'll find it but... i wrote it bc i LOVE the ship Emma Carstairs x Julian Blackthorn and there aren't many around so i thought i might give it a shot! tell me if you like it and please review it!
1. Chapter 1

JULES POV

Julian sat up with a sudden jerk. Beside him, still soundly asleep on the sofa was his parabatai, Emma Carstairs. The two of them had slept in the same bed together since they were toddlers, but it had never been awkward. Now, both being 17, not to mention from the opposite gender from each other, it was different. Jules had fallen asleep in the middle of watching Harry Potter, _and just before the good part_, Emma thought, but she didn't want to wake him and fell to sleep herself sometime during the Sorting Hat ceremony.

Quickly and quietly Jules put on his jacket and sneakers and walked down the steps of the Los Angeles Institute, closing the door behind him. As he made his way to the beach, he heard soft pattering footsteps behind him. _Emma_ he thought, but as he swivelled around he saw his little sister, Livvy. Well he couldn't exactly call her little since she was only a head smaller than him.

Unlike her twin, she had the trademark Blackthorn looks: the bright blue-green eyes; swishing chocolate brown hair swept messily into a bun; long, curled lashes and her tall, slender build, Shadowhunter marks creeping out of the collar of her lilac dress. Tiberius, however, had hair as black as the night and eyes, grey like a thunderstorm. Sometimes their siblings thought Livvy was the only one who understood Ty, even though their personalities, as well as their looks, seemed like polar opposites.

"Uncle Arthur was looking for you, Diana needed some help with training Dru and she thought you would be able to demonstrate throwing knives since you're so good" she said calmly. Diana Wayburn was the institute's tutor and was currently overseeing the training of Drusilla, their 13 year old sister, to

"I just left, I was on my way to the beach," he replied, leaving an awkward silence between them. Before the pause became too pregnant, another set of hurried footsteps came their way. _Who is it now?_ Julian thought. He just wanted to spend the morning at the beach, _alone. _He suddenly felt himself taking back that thought when he saw Emma, her wavy, blonde hair in a loose plait at her back, wearing her pyjama top and her usual pair of denim shorts that showed her long tanned legs.

"Hey!" he called out to her as she slowed down into a steady walk, making her way towards them.

"Hey!" she smiled. Julian felt his heart twist. Emma was the only one who had ever made him feel like this. But he knew it was wrong, the only love he could feel towards her was as a brother, not a lover; parabatai couldn't be together, it was against the Law. _Sed lex, dura lex – the Law is hard, but it is the Law. _

Anyways, Emma had a boyfriend, not that she usually kept them for long, but this time it was different. Every time she looked at him she actually seemed as if she was in love. Usually she would hook up with a guy she met at the beach who gave her some stupid, cheesy pickup line and asked for her number, dump them within a month and move on to the next. She never waited long before dating again since it seemed that every Shadowhunter in LA had their eyes on her.

"–smoking is bad for your health!" Emma finished, apparently having gone hopelessly off tangent, and after seeing the blank look on Julian's face she said "were you even listening to a word I just said?"

"Well I did hear the bit about how smoking is bad for your health – not that I wasn't aware of that already" he raised his eyebrows at her pointedly and she rolled her eyes at him. He hated when she nagged him about his habit to smoke clove cigarettes. When he started smoking them, he thought that they were better than usual cigarettes but it turns out that he was wrong. Emma always insisted it was because he's stressed but he was the first to dismiss that, though recently he felt as if she was right. "Whatever," she said and went back to what she was originally talking about.

EMMA POV

They made their way back to the Institute's training room, Livvy walking ahead as if she knew Emma wanted to talk to Julian alone. That's what she liked about Livvy, she always seemed to know what was going on before you did yourself.

"Jules," she said softly and he looked at her as if saying _"Yes? Are you alright?" _a look of concern and calmness at the same time.

"Charlie and I broke up," she said as if it was no big deal. Obviously thinking about the time when Jace Herondale had told him that he had a job to make sure she ended up with someone who deserved her, Jules looked at her sharply and said "He didn't dump you, did he?!" and muttered something about never liking him anyway. Emma, surprised that Jules had thought _he_ had dumped _her, _quickly lied and told him that it was mutual. He _had_ actually dumped her, but it wasn't as if she wasn't going to cut it off soon anyway so she was fine. Besides, someone already had hold of her heart, someone who most likely didn't know it.

Making a joke about her dating habits, Julian enter the training room with Emma behind him, shyly smiling, though he didn't know it. They split up, Jules going to the guys changing rooms and Emma to the girls. After she had put her gear on and fastened Cortana to her weapons belt, she went out into the training room. This was by far Emma's favourite room of the Institute, the one place where she felt truly at home. Jules was already there before her and was throwing knives at the target, all of them he had thrown so far reaching the dead centre of the board.

Although they had been too late to help Dru with her knife throwing, they enjoyed training together. When he turned around and saw her, he smiled, lighting up his bright blue-green eyes that were so full of hope and prosperity, the eyes of the boy who comforted her after her parents had found to be dead, the boy who knew what was always best for her, the boy whom she had drawn that parabatai rune on when they were 14. The decision she most regretted in her life.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hii, sorry this is going to be quite a short chapter but something more interesting****will happen in chapter 3 i promise!**

Emma POV

After they had finished training, Jules had gone off the shower in the changing rooms but Emma decided to go back to her bedroom to take a bath.

Just as she was getting out, there was a loud knock on the door. Quickly, she got into the t-shirt and denim shorts she was wearing earlier and rushed to the door.

Outside was Julian with his hair damp and wavy, wearing an old sweater, stretched from him constantly pulling it over his hands, and a pair of blue skinny jeans which were worn at the knees. Emma knew she was staring at him but couldn't quite take her eyes away from him.

"Uncle Arthur said dinner's here," he said, and before she had time to ask what it was, as if he read her mind he said, "Chinese," and grinned. She smiled and took his hand, pulling him down to the dining room.

When she registered in her mind how intimate she was being she jerked her hand away from him, hitting herself squarely in the chest region.

Before Jules was able to say anything, Helen, the eldest of the Blackthorns entered, with her girlfriend Aline.

They had both come back from Wrangel Island, where Helen had been exiled to by the Clave because of her faerie blood and Aline, the Consul's daughter, couldn't let her go on her own so went with her.

They came back a few months ago and had been travelling around the world as well as between the Institute and The Penhallow's house in Idris.

When everyone had come down for the takeout meal, Jules looked in the bag and exclaimed "OK, _where_ is the mu shu pork?!" Emma laughed

Julian POV

Once he had done eating he padded back to his room, while everyone else had gone to the living room. He lay on his bed thinking of the conversation they had had during dinner.

Emma was telling them about how she had broken up with her old boyfriend so casually, when Uncle Arthur suddenly asked Jules if he had a girlfriend yet.

Of course he didn't and it wasn't as if he were looking for one but it was Emma's face when he replied to his Uncle that he liked a girl but she was off limits. The colour had drained from her face and she didn't look at him. let alone talk to him, for the rest of the meal.

He had momentarily thought that Emma liked him but then realized that she was probably just offended that he hadn't told her first.

Since "the girl off limits" _was_ Emma, he didn't think it would wise to.


	3. Chapter 3

Julian's fingers were firmly coiled around the stele when he finished drawing the strength rune on Emma's neck with his usual artistic flourish. His long fingers lingered on her skin for a moment before travelling across her collar bone to her arm where her parabatai mark was. He gently traced the outline with the calluses of his index finger when he felt Emma tense at his touch.

Hastily, he put the stele away and got up. Both of them were flushed red when Aline walked in, wearing he gear, obviously about to train. She was followed by Helen, who also in her gear, must have noticed she was interrupting something because she turned around to leave again, dragging a reluctant Aline with her.

"Wait!" Emma called "we were just about to train you could join us," she smiled

Helen looked at her girlfriend, worriedly but in the end it was Aline who said "Alright then, I'm afraid I haven't been training for ages so I might be a little rusty," and gave her a small smile.

All in all, their training session together had been very productive. They spent at least 3 hours in there doing a variety of different exercises but like last night at dinner, Emma hadn't looked, spoken to or touched Julian. She kept busy in her conversations with Aline while Jules had been catching up with his older sister.

When Emma left to shower, he, Helen and Aline stayed for a bit longer. Eventually the two girls were about to leave when Helen told her girlfriend to go on without her since she needed to talk to Julian.

Jules couldn't imagine what she might possibly want to talk to him about but just went along with it.

"Here," she said, tossing him a knife to throw. He nodded his head in thanks and threw it straight into the middle of the target. He went to retrieve it and stood in the stance again, ready to throw.

"I see the way you look at her," Helen said carefully.

"Who?" Julian asked, not completely paying attention since, more concentrated on the knife. Just as he was about to throw, Helen replied, "Emma."

The knife flew from his hand and stuck itself on the floor, missing the target by miles. Julian turned his head to Helen so quickly that his neck clicked.

"I also see the way she looks at you," she started again, before Jules had time to say anything. "She's the girl who's off limits, isn't she?"

Slowly, Jules nodded. In his mind he could picture Emma. Her beachy blonde hair, trailing down her back; her deep brown eyes, as chocolatey as his own hair; her long, curved lashes that brushed her cheeks when she closed her eyes; her slim waist and stomach that had more muscle than most guys'; her goofy smile, that lit her face up, that made her skin glow.

Almost pleadingly he asked his older siser, "What should I do, Helen?

What _can_ I do?" Once again he felt like the little 12 year old boy, the one who asked her what he should do, how could he protect his family with no mother, no father, no Mark , no Helen, just an uncle that her barely knew.

"I don't know," she replied. There was a tear rolling down her cheek when she went to hug him. He was nearly a head taller than her, but she was tall for a girl. Her pointed ears and silvery blonde hair were the only signs of her faerie blood, differentiating her from the rest of the Blackthorns. She was only his half-sister but it didn't matter; he still loved her the same as he loved any of his other siblings.

She gingerly stroked his hair and pulled back from the embrace. Then she gave him a worried look. She knew that he and Emma could never be together. But what had she said before? About knowing how Emma looked at him? Before Julian could ask Helen about it he heard a sudden thud coming from the girls changing rooms.

He and Helen both exchanged worried glances and rushed over. Lying on the floor as if she had fainted was Emma. Aline had already gone up to her and Helen's room.

Julian picked her up carefully by the neck and knees and set her down on the bench. He cautiously felt her forehead with the back of his hand checking her temperature and his hand came away burning. She had a fever.

All the colour had drained out of his face and his usual playful smile was replaced by slightly vacant and panicked look, his eyes wide in fright.

EMMA POV

Emma's eye fluttered open when she saw Julian standing beside her bed with Helen and Diana, talking in subdued voices.

She looked around her room, it was neater than usual but then again it was usually a tip. Julian must've tidied it for her; his room was immaculate, not a speck of dust to be seen anywhere.

The last thing she remembered was being in the changing rooms after training with Julian, Helen and Aline. "Emma! You're awake! Thank goodness!" cried Helen when she saw Emma sitting up in her bed.

Julian looked at her and smiled, showing the dimple on his cheek. "Well it wasn't as if she died," he said, amused at his older sister's worry.

"From the way you reacted to it, you'd have think she had, Julian," Helen replied, teasing her half-brother, making him flush. Of course Julian was worried, he was her parabatai after all.

Diana started explaining that she had fainted because of low sugar-levels – nothing serious or long term but she just needed some rest. She gave Emma some chocolate to eat and left, taking Helen with her. Soon it was just her and Julian in the room and she could feel her heart racing. "Jules…" she said, scrambling out of her bed. "Let's go driving,"

The look that he gave her then was incredulous. A small smile appeared on his face; driving was their favourite thing to do with each other. Except from training of course. "Come on then," he said, playfully faking a sigh of annoyance"

"I'll drive!" Emma said enthusiastically but what seemed like a look of concern washed over Jules' face "It's my car anyway," at which point Julian shook his head ruefully and raked his fingers through his messy brown hair. Smiling, they both put on their shoes, went out to the car and jumped in. from there they just went wherever the road signs took them.


End file.
